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WARNING!! Spoilers, foul langauge and a very pissed off lil man within.





With that being said I can now rant. It was about 11 years ago, back at Central with Wayne O. when I first found out that they were making Aliens vs Predator. Being a fan of the movies I was quite geeked, however it was not to be. The movie was placed on the back-burner and forgotten about. Over the next decade it would occasionally be brought out, kicked around, rejected, and thrown back into whatever corner they were hiding it in.

Over the years I became a larger fan of both series, picking up various Dark Horse comics of both series. Some books were great, some bad, some excellent, some awful. Regardless they tended to stay within the bounds of the universes in which these characters were created. Also, one fact was pretty much as unavoidable as Death and Taxes.

If Xenomorphs ever reached Earth... WE WERE FUCKED!!

That simple... get off the globe, nuke it from orbit, its the only way to be sure.

So here I am typing this now, 11 years have passed and I finally watched A vs P. To say it wasn't the movie I hoped it would be, that would be inaccurate. To say I thought it was a piece of shit would be an understatement. Let me try to summarize my feeling after finishing this bottle of Bacardi...

...ok, here we go.

This movie was completely foul, the director has taken the background of these stories, the timeline, the cannon if you will and regurgitated Hollywood cliches, rip-offs and marketing bullshit over the whole event. One half of the movie spit in the face of the other half... neither decided to agree and so blatantly contradicted each other through the flick. I am becoming so flustered just thinking about it is making it hard to type... lemme start listing off my bitches about the flick.

Ok, take a breath... 1st) Character development... there isn't any. Most of the characters have one reason for being there. They're paid to be. Thats it. Or they're a lil curious about this weird Aztec/Cambodian/Egyptian pyramaid under the ice of Antartica which is never really explained. Yeah sure, the Predators were worshipped as Gods and taught ancient civilizations to build them little fun parks... but why Antartica and why did the bulding style split and spread across the globe? Dumb, yes... Any real point to it no... does this go against the accepted fact that is Xenomorphs reach Earth we're fuct... YES!

They do however mention that these things can't be allowed to escape to the surface, howver the Queen makes it (of course! That rascally bitch!). However, sinking her into the Ocean is more than enough to kill her... never mind Xenomorphs can survive in space or that this one in particular was frozen solid like a coney dog only to revive in seconds... that water is near freezing mutha fucka... she's dead! Ok, theres water preassure too but from the abuse I've seen these things take I call SHENANIGANS on the whole mess.

Moving on, the gestation period of face-hugger to chest-burster has gone from days to mere minutes. I seem to remember Ripley running about the 3rd movie with an alien in her for oh... MOST OF THE MOVIE! In this one, they need em now. So, wham bam thank you ma'.... ERK!!! And you have an instant Alien. Damn, thats some bullshit...

Ok, now onto the Predators for a moment. They look like shit, pure and simple. They take that mask off and they look misarable. How is it the mask from the 1st predator looks so much better? Tell me plz. Also, the Predators are large, dopey, slow and OUTRIGHT PUSSIES!! The first xenomorph you see kills two them. 2 of em!!! Thats a shitty kill ratio folks for a warrior race thats been training from this shit from oh, say... BIRTH!!!

On top of being ineffectual in combat, they are dumb... dumb as bricks. They apparently have knives that are resistant to the acidic alien blood. But only their knives are made of this material, their armor however goes to putty just like everything else. Also, apparently after a xenomorph dies it stops being acidic cuz you can carve em up and give to humans to wear as armor... or a big bracelet, ur sumthin... damn that shit was gay.

Not to mention Danny Glover had to chase a Predator halfway across L.A., cut its arm off, fight it a while and then stuff its disc blade most of the way up its guts just to get some grudging respect from those damn things. The bitch in this one accidently kills a xenomorph and is adopted into the Clan. WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Oh yes, last bitch for the moment... there are more I just need a break, a shower, more alcohol, etc. There are no more disc blades, the nifty boomarang cut-through-anything weapons we've seen previously... now they are armed with the Krull. Remember Krull, goofy little bladed throwing octopus thing... yeah... they use those now... I need another drink... fucking A vs P anyway...

Just to tell you I was against the whole movie from the begining.....I knew they would Totally Screw It Up.....Assholes.

First off, you can talk bad about me, you can talk bad about my family, BUT I will be damned if you talk bad about my Krull, the movie kicked ass and I will have words with any man who says otherwise.

Second, it was called the Glaive, not the Krull. Krull was the planet that the story was taking place on.

I was all for an AvP movie. I loved both series and was a big fan of the comic. I did not see it tonight and I will form my own opinions of it later. Though any movie that has more than 40% CGI is destened to suck. I know it is only a 96min thrill ride...nothing more.

Haven't seen it yet, but I have some info that may soothe your wounds(ignore typos ...very tired)...

Not sure how much CG is actualy in the movie, but I do know that actually made a robotic "alien" and a robotic "alien" queen(over 12 feet tall) just so they could use as little CG as possible. Matter of fact the fella in charge od doing the FX and in paticular the CG HATES CG. If he can do it without CG he will.

Second, all the loose ends about why the temple is there and why the temple mimics so many cultures IS in fact covered, but may have been cut from the movie.
1) To move up in the clanninsh warrior culture of the predators, the young(and less dangerous/skilled/effective) warriors must come to earth(earth is actualy one of the many "testing planets") and brave the temple
2) The temple doesnt mimic the other cultures, they mimic it. its all based off of old predator homeworld stuff
3) The temple is in Antartica because it is the coldest and like insects the xenomorphs hibernate in the cold. Thats why queeny is frozen and why the cold water is her doom..
4) the xenomorph can only survive open space for short times, not indefinately. Likely why the water pressure may have killed her.
5) predator weapons are different from clan to clan, although many clans use the shoulder blasters and the colapsing spears. The wrist blades are made of a crystal...grown not made like the armor, that is why they are jagged, and why they dont use the same material for the armor, it doesnt grow in shapes usable for the armor.

Now, this is a possible reason the other things happened, again havent seen the movis so it is supposition...
>> new growth abd gestation rate:
The cannon states that the chest bursters pick up DNA from the host and that changes aspects of the full grow xenomorph( and hence why the one in Alien 3 looks more like a quadraped...it gestated in a dog). Maybee they were acected by the hosts in some manner. Also keep in mind, ipley had a queen and they are know to take longer to cook.
It is also supposed in several sources that there are different types and breeds of xenomorphs(different, sub-species and castes((warriors, builder, collectors, queen and so on)) ). May explain the combat effectiveness of these.

NONE of this is intended to defend the movie, just pass along useless trivia I have about the two iconic sci fi critters, and yeah I think the glaive-rip-off toys are stinky cheese too. I also think they should have let one of the predators nuke the queen, like in the first movie with govenor model t-1000 Arnie.

Oh yeah...by the way...Krull blew rabid moose chunks. Any movie where a 50 foot tall alien wants to marry and mate with a 5 foot 6 human female to "conquer" the planet should fire the crack-smoking writer and hire the infinate monkeys from the Hitchhiker series to re-write the script.

Actually she was 5' 7". And remember that the Beast could assume any form he wished (and did). It was also a time of swords and sorcery, magic and monsters, and Ayssa was special. The Beast wanted her, but he make one terrible mistake....You don't mess with Prince Colwyn's bride to be..... Man, that was 1983 gold!

Alright, I've had some time to settel down, get less po'd and emotional and let the alcohol get outta my system. I can now address some Wyrmwraths points in a more reasonable fashion.

Hmm, not so much a point but a statement that the movie wasn't completely ass in all departments... the xenomorphs looked really good! Damn good actually. I was just very angry at how they were handled... some jacked up assclown thought it would be a good idea to have them act like dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. Yes the standard drones were velociraptors and the Momma was a T-rex. No shit... watch the way they act now as opposed to previous flicks and the kicker is when the Queen is chasing the heroine(HA!) and is running into whale bones with her head plate while roaring. It was fucking sad.

#1) As for the young Predators testing themselves in a coming of age ritual that is 100% accurate to my knowledge. However, in the comics that I read they didn't have bullshit temples with Dark Horse comic logos all over them to hunt a handful of aliens in. They seeded entire PLANETS! Hence why in the AvP comic, dumbass humans decide to settle on and terraform a hunting ground during the Predator off season.

#2) If I stated that the cultures are mimiced but the temple then I misspoke myself. My problem was how did these cultures, in wide and various areas around the world, manage to transport that knowledge from Antartica to their respective locales. First off, Antartica is a long fucking ways away!! Second, noone of the original culture survived. A hunt went wrong, thousands of Aliens were made and a Predator suicide bomb destroyed everything. Third, back when this culture was around, Antartica was apparently warm and completely unfrozen... how far back into history would that be? Once again, if my point to this matter was skewed or outright wrong... I was drinking and belligerent. Sorry bout that.

#3) The bugs will hibernate in the cold... extreme cold! This is true, but in the flashback scenes this area was quite warm if not outright balmy! The Predators however also prefer hot, humid climates and avoid the cold like the plague. There was one comic, "Cold War" where a Predtor decided to hunt in Siberia and he had no end of problems doing it.

#4) I hafta admit I can't state definitely how long xenomorphs can survive space unprotected... so I shall default to the concept that over time even they must succumb. Next point though. Why is a Queen who is intelligent enough to use the blood of her drones to eat through her restraints too damn dumb to unfasten the chain tying her to the object which is dragging her to a watery abyss? The heroine didn't put any super special lock on it er anything, just untie it ya dumb bitch!!

#5) Ok, everything I had seen about different Predtor clans most of the differences were fairly subtle. A philosophical difference here, different rites there, different ornamentation back this way. However I had thought there was a fairly standard, honorably accepted hunting pack that the vast majority of them based their weaponry around. The Krull shuriken thing was sumthin that as far as I can tell they made for the movie and was in fact GAY! Used well in one scene, but that doesn't make it replace the returning disc of death.
As for the wrist blades, I've never heard of them being grown but that part doesn't really matter here. The wrist blades melt like butter just like everything else... except their skinning knife!! That is what I was bitching about. But since we're on the topic, why did they decide to doube or evem triple the wrist blade legnth? Why did they need airplane propellers on their forearms? They have a seen where the wrist blade is popped out and it does actually stop at about say, a foot and half of blade showing. The Predator then flicks him arm and the rest of this monstrosity emerges... *sigh*

As for gestation rate, they would hafta come up with some pretty deep psuedo-scientific bullshit for me to buy the 10mins and you pop chest-burster throry. Complete shit. The problem was the slow gestation lends to HORROR. This movie was having none of that.
On a different note... sorta... back to the concept of Aliens taking some traits from their host. If you can read the ORIGINAL draft of Aliens3. WayneO let me read it years back and it goes off about this concept in detail AND explains the goofy toy line that came out. Remember, it had a gorilla alien and a bull alien n stuff. All explained, pretty action packed plot, takes place within spitting distance of earth... betcha it woulda rocked.

Also, heres a question for true Aliens fans... what was the original tagline of the teaser trailer for Alien 3?

1) Did they really have DH symbols on the temple? that will cheese me off!

2) My understanding is that it was the bomb that tilted the planet to its current axis, so it was warm there and also populated by the people that were scatteres by the encroaching cold and tectonic shifts. Its also how the "culture and arcitecture" drifted.

3) you are correct, but the fact that predators preffer the heat is related to #2

4)LOL...ok, havent seen the movie...so I will have to concede that point. I will say however maybee she couldnt reach it, like that spot on your back that itches but can only be reached by a contortionist.

5) Ok...again ill give you that based on your telling, I may have to write somone a scathing letter after seeing this movie.

6) the gestation thing was just a hypothesis....

the answer to the extra credit: IN SPACE...NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe the only things you left out of your rant were...

1.) The movie looked like someone spliced together leftover footage from Jurassic Park, Aliens, and Predator. All the BAD parts... the cheesy, lets find people to work for a really rich guy who wants to leave his mark... the velociraptor aliens, the t-rex moma alien... even a goldblum-ish guy was on the trip... the guy with the camera? yeah... i was just waiting for a velociraptor to spit in Newmans eye...

2.) After watching the ONE scence where it was actually just an alien vs. predator, i was waiting for the predator to do the people elbow... IT WAS ALL PRO WRESTLING!!! it was a sad sad little scence... all the build up to this point was cool... but that was just... bad bulky predator

3.) What the hell was with the REVERSABLE wrist blades? I mean come on man... also the spear-thingy (sorry i dont remember names of things well) went into an alien and didn't disolve... its little hunting knife didn't disolve... but its wrist blades melted???

4.) It the Predator was smart enough to notice that the alien blood didn't disolve the alien exo-skeleton, why isn't his armor made of that? And why did it take longer for the blood to eat through gortex then the Predators armor???

5.) the explosion at the end must have been pretty damn slow, cuz for them to get up a 2000 foot shaft in the same time it takes an explosion to makes me think they would be little pieces of toast... if it took a minute, they would need to be going at 23 MPH... of course it would have taking under 10 seconds which at best puts them at going 137 MPH going UP the shaft... ouch (yes, i did the math, wanna know the projectile path they would have taken?)

6.) *sigh* How is the little girl getting home? Everyone else is dead... now shes stranded in antarctica... with a funky 'T' on her face...

7.) there was only one penguin!!! sorry, pen-ga-wins are my favorites... so seeing one scare the piss out of a guy was great



odd little side note, i dont know if it actually had any significance, but the name of the ship in the begining of the movie was named "Piper Maru" which is the same name of the same type of ship from X-Files that had the alien body snatchers stored away... Piper Maru is also the name of Gillian Andersons child... odd little coincidence


there, thats my little rant... now i can put this aside and wait for Resident Evil 2

I think the best line was "In the end, the viewers lose"

IN SPACE...NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM !!! was in fact the tag line for the original Alien and might have been used a bit for Aliens also... can't remember.

But no, the original teaser for Alien3 had a slowly drifting view of earth slide onto the screen and then...

"On Earth, everyone can hear you scream..."

But once again they sacked a great concept for bullshit reasons (damn showbiz politics anyway) and went with the Alien3 plot we all know. Not really bad per se.... but it just didn't do the series justice. And who wasn't pissed to find they just whacked characters out of hand in between movies. ARG!!!

They killed Hicks (aka John Conners father), those bastards! Er wait was that Hicks? Crap, what was his name?

whew, it was hicks, the dumb guy was hudson...

Also, further clarification to previous statements... when I say "Dark Horse symbols" I do not mean the Dark Horse logo...

I mean the logos they used for various Alien Comics... the circular chestburster eating its own tail kinda thing was used for a while by DK and shows up all over the temple as does a circular facehugger logo.

"Yes we're butchering the story... but we'll work your product logos into the backgrounds of the movie!"
"Where do we sign?"

Not sure if this is the exact version of Alien3 I read but its at least close.

http://www.scifiscripts.com/scripts/alien3_gibson.txt

sigh...

just saw it and sigh... so disappointing...

Earth, the greastest hunting ground no longer.

Earth, where we send the slow and stupid of our clans.

And what's with people bursting in three seconds and a predator bursting in like multiple hours? Honestly... And what happened to the other two predator guns? Didn't they garrot the guy that had them? Course as much as I had hoped for better after reading script after script of this what could have been kinda cool movie, I have to admit it was kinda fun to see both species on screen again.